Australian Pole Festival 2014 - Going Solo
In a week and a half I will be attending the Australian Pole Festival. Three days of workshops, socialising, markets, and connecting with pole dancers from all over the country. And I will spend every day in the presence of, or being taught by, pole guru's, pole wizards, and polebrities (pole celebrities) both home grown and international.
The Australian Pole festival is being held on the southern Gold Coast. It's only been in recent times it's referred to as the Gold Coast. I actually call it Tweed Heads and Coolangatta, having been an Officer with the Naval Cadets (TS Vampire) in the early '90's and Tweed Heads was my stomping ground during this time, that's what I know it as. Yes, you may "Hello Sailor" me anytime.
Anyway I'm digressing. With only a bit more than a week and a half to go until this three days of pole fabulosity, well, I'm starting to get a bit anxious.
I haven't become as fit as I'd hoped before the festival, I haven't lost as much weight as I'd hoped before the festival, and I am going solo. Yep, that's the one that's got me more apprehensive than anything else.
Because I'm solo, aka friendless, aka Nigel no friends, aka Harry high pants (just threw that last one in) well, I don't have a room buddy so I will be allocated a buddy. Oh god, the anticipation is the worst bit. You see I'm terribly shy. I fight it and force myself to be 'out there' but I'd rather kick back with a coffee, in a quiet room and read a book after dinner, and not socialise that much or certainly not socialise too late. I can be a bit of a Nanna after all.
Not knowing who my room buddy is I'm full of questions. Will she be the stereotypical young party thing out drinking most nights, staggering in late? A smoker - blah? A snorer - gasp? Someone who spreads their stuff everywhere - frowning? Doesn't pick up after themselves - sigh? Inconsiderate and loud - groaning? Will she be all dark, gloomy with ear buds tightly shoved in her ear canals and blocking any form of communication, yet forcing me to listen to the tinny whining of the metal banging beats coming out of the gaps in the buds? Will she be up and down pee'ing all night? Hell, do I flush at night or will that wake her up? Do I wear my usual pyjamas, are they stranger worthy, too daggy, too mummy, to lazy, oh god should I just go buy a new set?
Then there's the ablutions question. Who will shower first, what if she takes foreeeevvvvvahhhhh? What if I can't get ready in time in the morning's before we head out to our respective workshops. My day would be wrecked. I need to do some things a certain way, I need to present a certain way. I'm old okay think 'set in my ways', does that help?
God, then there's the 'gas' question. How am I not going to explode from holding in farts? I can't fart in front of a stranger. I'm not sure I'm gifted enough to slowly baby fart tiny bubbles of fart out all quiet and stealthy like. What if I snore? Sweet Jesus what if I fart and snore! I'd be asleep so I'd be completely unaware of it. I'd be mortified, okay maybe that's a bit dramatic but I'd certainly be embarrassed. Worse, what if she farts and snores in her sleep? Once the novelty wore off and my giggling settled, well I think I'd be over it pretty bloody quickly and just want her to clamp her orifices shut and be quiet so I could get some much needed shut eye.
I'm such a light sleeper too. Even my son grinding his teeth in the room away from me I can hear it and I wake. I wake when my daughter coughs. I wake when I hear the kangaroos snuff and snort outside our bedroom window. How will I ever stay asleep sleeping with a stranger.
I've just got to hope for exhaustion, sheer bloody exhaustion and complete muscle drainage that when I fall into the bed at night I just stay asleep, completely and utterly, deeply asleep.
Oh, here's a thought, maybe I should make it a veggie free weekend? My thinking being veggies make you fart, so no veggies equals no farting, right. Hey, that university education hasn't been wasted!
You know what, I think I'm just going to take a deep breath, relax, and just let things happen. Best case I'll make a new pole buddy, worse case I'll have a huge amount of material to write about in here and next Pole Festival I'll negotiate a single room option. So I suppose in the grand scheme of things it's a win/win. In all honesty the way things have been organised I think I'm going to be way too busy to worry, way to tired to care, and besides my room buddy will be a fellow pole dancer. God, if you can't gently drop your guts in front of a fellow poler what's the world coming too.
Update: 9th October
Just found out I'm rooming with THREE other women!!!!
